I was planning a blog about riding out for the first time on my new Cube e-bike. I had in mind some whimsical, things to report about the bike but now, I’m just going to tell you how I got a new 2 inch scar.
I’ve resisted becoming a MAMIL (middle aged man in lycra) for some years, mostly due to the figure hugging nature of the ‘outfits’. So I offset this personal matter by wearing a pair of well worn shorts over the lycra.
After setting up the bike, the maiden ride from home was billed to my ever loving wife as a “quick test”.
“Good” she said, “you may as well post those two letters for me” (about 0.5 miles away). I selected the lowest peddle assist mode and rode off…grinning
I posted the letters and something came over me. The sun was shining and had the bike was at 98% battery. The local forest area with off road tracks was just there! My inner child won this round, I selected ‘TURBO’ on the bike’s display, ran through the basics of my cycling proficiency test from 1986, and sent it towards the trees!
It was exhilarating! This bike is so much fun!
After following the (boring) gravel track for a while, I saw a well worn ATV track. OBVIOUSLY I followed in (still in Turbo). It went well, just like some of the YouTube videos I’d been watching.
After the surge of over-confidence from getting me from my house > Post box > Gravel Track > Off Road Track – I reach the end of the gravel trail I was back on.
…well, I say ‘end’ because, as I was taking in this most peaceful moment and feeling blessed, I noticed another old ATV track heading into the dense part of the woods.
I next remember riding through the ferns, and up the muddy incline, the trail immediately started to get tough to see or ride on.
It’s at this point, I should have reasoned this is not a track, turn around, take the win of a successful maiden ride.
But reason had jumped off the bike a few minutes ago and I was now deep in the woods, where I’d lost the track I’d come from, and all I could see was forest around me. I got my phone out, looked at the map and saw I was in the middle of nothing. I sent my wife a text to let here know I was in the woods, and the letters were posted.
I used the phone map to find my way to what looked like a trail. The forest opened up a bit, so I jumped back on the bike and tried to cycle through.
The first big fall: happened when my old faithful shorts had a hole in the crouch, which had gone over the saddle, effectively holding me in position. I learned all of this when I went to put my left foot down and couldn’t. Trouble is I was on a steep bank.
I started listing left, and at the last minute my foot made contact with a large rotten tree stump. It disintegrated and I slid / fell down 2 metres of muddy forest bank. Ugh!
After inspecting the new gapping hole in my crouch (just shorts thankfully), I got my phone back out and FINALLY decided to go back the way I came.
I went slow, pushing the bike through brush and deep leaves. Again the trail looked ‘rideable’ and I got back on the steed, hoping to get back home shortly.
The Second big fall: happened when, I’d forgotten the bike was still in turbo mode, and the front wheel got stuck on a fallen log, covered in leaves. The back end kept going (in turbo) and I high sided, but landed knee first onto the crank teeth.
All the forest animals learned some new words.
The pain was searing and constant. I looked at the gash and knew I had to get home and get some medical attention.
Unfortunately I made another wrong turn on the way out of the dense woods and found myself in the middle of a ton of brambles. They were everywhere I turned, and mostly finding intimate body parts to hook onto…
After using my new e-bike as a jungle machete, which made me feel sad, I had one final boggy river bed to cross. I picked up the bike (all 26kgs) and got it down into the river bed. I jumped down, and my feel both disappeared into bog. It puffed a load of boggy stench up, you know just to complete the forest experience.
I got out of the forest after about an hour, and I was cut, badly bruised and bleeding.
Back on the gravel and I’m thinking, “okay, just a few miles to ride home, the worst part is done”, and then my dropper post sank to the lowest position.
(a dropper post is a cool MTB feature, which lets your seat post ‘drop’ down to let you ride more easily downhill)
I’m clearly a MAMIL but now I have to ride this EMTB home like a BMX??? The shame.
I arrived home and my legs and arms were evidence of a battle lost with bramble and me knee was feeling bad.
Shower, antiseptic, wounds dressed and my knee would bend (swelling) for 3 weeks.
When I told a colleague what happened, he asked “is the bike on eBay?” 😂 Not the blog I wanted, but the blog I got. A maiden voyage to remember, and a decent looking 2 inch scar to mark the occasion #winning
